It's taken me five months to come to a place where I can publicly announce my un-engagement.
I'm still getting trickles of private messages asking out of curiosity and compassion. Upon my return from Thailand in June I wasn't healthy, far from it and the relationship ended then. Thank you for all the supportive well wishes they are still in my heart. Thailand wasn't easy for me, the whole situation became destructive to my being and by my return home my health and center where no longer something I held. Life had brought me to my knees and prayer took hope that was wavering. I can say this now for where I stand in the present is much different but in June I had no voice for explanations as with any death there was challenge and much deep reflection and processing to do. I'm so grateful for my friends and family who helped encourage me to see light when I couldn't seem to connect on my own… to be low, sick and hurt. I was humbled by their love and true giving. (Thank you) This past weekend's trip to Havasupai falls in the Grand Canyon created a metaphor that I connected to and I felt moved to share as we fall to the ground at times in our lives. I find symbolism in the earth and how she shows us our own reflection in her crevices, caverns, valleys, waters and mountains.
As I was walking through the deserted campground taking in the height of the canyon walls my eyes lingered on the trees showing their deep roots, uncovered by the last seasons of raging water rushing past them eroding their known foundation. I took in the twigs, debris, pieces of picnic tables, lost items from last years hikers, bones and joints of mules. Then my eyes followed the trunks upwards to see the abnormal collection of things left behind, stuck in the groves from the branches, after the high waters of the floods return to the creek beds.
As I walked in the silence of the canyon; deserted, damp and cool, I could feel the undeniable current of energy from the past floods surging through the narrow wooded canyon floor. I saw the leftover disaster land and I thought, in such awe "What a beautiful disaster…"The gorgeous colors bouncing off the red and gold rocky canyon walls that hold the space for energy to move. The majestic aqua blue creek, calm and bubbling now, glitters an illuminating shimmer, in a dance with light that seems to ricochet off every wet surface of earth, leaf, stone, wood and due drop to create a glowing sparkling brilliance all around.
Much symbolic to my own life a beautiful disaster this 2013. In the height of dramatically charged energy, the rush of the floodwaters, the container will be forever changed, molded by experience and as the water settles with time the new magic reveals itself… The tremendous and jagged cliffs hold up breathtaking water that falls into deep clear pools. And from it's new form, the waterfall trows mist into the air holding the capacity to work in unison with the light of sun, making rainbows of soft colors stretching as big as the canyon itself.
I looked around and saw Shiva at work from past floods with his perceived destruction, the disastrous mess of the moment, the fall apart, the intensity and the fear.
Standing in the aftermath of the canyons evolution, I was also standing steady and calm, healthy again in my own aftermath witnessing the glow of "Tejase", the glittering brilliance of illumination in everything.I'm in love and awe at the seasons and cycles as time and nature restores harmony, flow and life.
The canyon was a great teacher to me that weekend, my own personal Shiva like perceived destruction, a flash flood. I can feel again whole heartedly the glowing brilliance, the glimmering light of my life, my beautiful disaster of extreme circumstances complete with majestic waterfalls and rainbows.
The deep veins of remembered trauma, the debris of settled emotion and the power of water falling serving as a reminder of strength created from such conditions that then serve to illuminate the dampness in life, lifting it towards the light and reflecting rainbows of existence.
Feeling blessed for all shades of these glitteringly brilliant, beautiful, disasters called our lives :) Aho <3
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